Grief That Makes Our Knees Bleed
God’s hand is working all around us in mysterious ways. He has ordained all things, and His sovereignty is beyond question. He uses sin in the world sinlessly for the good of those who love Him. He is fighting spiritual battles constantly on our behalf as he frees us from the snares of death that surround us on all sides. Every leaf that falls to the ground and every hair on our heads are known by Him, and He desires to commune with us. These are truths that came easy to me.
Then, time stopped and my faith was challenged in a single moment.
Jacob Koury and I were not the closest of friends, but I inevitably got to know him well while living with him. I grew to care for him as a brother in Christ and friend. I wished nothing but the best for him as we went our separate ways at the end of our year-long lease. I moved out of the house we were living in together, and three weeks later when I had just set foot in my new studio apartment, I got a call from our other roommate, Chris.
“Jacob was murdered.”
Those words still ring in my head today almost a week later. It felt like a 10-ton truck hit me. This man whom I had just spoken to a week ago is now gone. His life was taken from him by evil people. It still doesn’t seem real. Nothing like this has ever happened in my life until now. It’s all a blur, but I remember on the drive over from my apartment to our LIFE Community leader Jared’s house, I screamed at the Lord in distraught tears.
“How could this happen?! Why would you let this happen, God?! Where is he, God?! Did you bring him home?! What could I have done differently so that this wouldn’t have happened?! Give me an answer!”
I got to Jared’s and we embraced each other for a long time. We sat in confusion. We labored in grief and shock. We asked questions that we couldn’t answer. We called friends and family. We cried. We prayed for justice and salvation for the killers. We prayed for comfort and peace for Jacob’s family. We joined with the other members of our LIFE Community and shared in overwhelming sorrow. We celebrated Jacob’s life, and rejoiced in our confidence that we would see him again in heaven someday.
By the end of the night, we were singing worship songs to our Lord, and I realized, He was with us the whole time.
He was comforting us. He was guiding us in our prayers and weeping. He was shepherding us to gather in one place and mourn together as a body of Christ. He was sanctifying us and growing us through a very painful experience. He was teaching us about who He is. And He is still doing these things to this day as the reality of this tragedy has set in. The pain persists as we all head back out into our normal lives forever impacted by this sudden and tragic loss, but our God is the same Healer and Deliverer as He has always been.
'Is anyone among you suffering? Let him pray.’ James 5:13a
Pastor Dan began teaching on Sunday on the vitality of prayer in the life of the believer, especially amidst tragedy, as the Scripture above clearly states. I believe the text that was planned to be preached from the pulpit was divinely timed to coincide with all of the suffering that has been plaguing members of our church and community, and the Church abroad, especially in Afghanistan.
We’re not always going to get the answers from God that we want. But He encourages us to trust Him through every sorrow, and remember His truth and His promises. The truth is, suffering is a penalty of our sin. And the truth is, He loves us more than we’ll ever know in spite of our sin.
Amidst all of this, the Holy Spirit has led me back to the teachings of Paul Washer, a man of God who would be the first to say, “Stop celebrating the man of God and start celebrating the God of the man of God.” A single metaphor really caught my attention as I listened intently.
“Make sure you have knees that bleed.”
God is teaching us what it means to be intimate with Him and have a true personal relationship with Him through every persecution, tragedy, pain, and suffering. Even now, He keeps His promises. We meet with Him in a secret place, away from all men and all distractions. God is teaching me how to rest in that secret place.
For a lot of us, it can be a terrifying experience to tarry long in His presence because we know who we are and who He is. He is Elohim. A God of justice and righteousness. Who are we before Him but wretched and woeful sinners?
But then, He grabs you, and pulls you into an embrace unlike any other this world can offer.
He is Yahweh. Our Father in heaven. He made us, and He loves us. He sent His Son Jesus Christ to die for us, and Jesus understands our suffering and grief. He incarnated Himself as a man to walk among us and weep for and heal our souls. He lived the perfect life and paid for our sins on the cross. He sent His Spirit to make us alive in Christ and transform our hearts from stone into flesh.
“He was pierced for our transgressions; he was crushed for our iniquities; upon him was the chastisement that brought us peace, and with his wounds we are healed.”
Isaiah 53:5
The Gospel. The knowledge of who God is. It fills me with a joy, comfort, and peace that I can’t explain in a time like this. I still feel all of the grief, but He carries it for me as I await the day I will see Him in heaven. I can’t wait to praise Him in eternity alongside Jacob and the rest of the Saints.
Is anyone cheerful? Let him sing praise.’
James 5:13b
Until that day, keep praying, and keep praising, Church!
~ Alex Nicholson serves as Music Director and Social Media Coordinator at LIFE Fellowship